Why Self Love isn’t Selfish
A question I am often asked is, ‘Isn’t Self Love Selfish?’ And I get it- when you are used to putting yourself last, self love can feel selfish. It’s the opposite of what you have been taught. It feels uncomfortable to take up space because you’ve learnt that your needs don’t matter or aren’t a priority. You are used to pandering to a dominant personality who was likely unpredictable and inconsistent with giving love and affection so you spent a lot of time focussing on them to keep the peace. Learning to assert yourself creates inner conflict as somewhere along the way you have chosen to forsake your needs in the name of harmony. You have decided the louder, more dominant personality’s needs are more worthy of attention than your own.
Putting yourself first would mean that you are in fact worthy, and because you don’t feel that, it feels selfish. However it is not your whole, authentic self telling these stories, but your wounded shadow self who creates beliefs from a place of fear, lack and separation.
So how do you overcome the belief that self love is selfish?
How do you move past it and allow yourself to receive support, nurture and attention? How do you believe that you are worthy when the messages you received during childhood indicate the opposite? The answer lies in your self concept. It lies in the awareness of your subconscious beliefs about who you are and what you are worthy of. Once you are conscious of them, you can begin to release them and replace them with new, more positive ways of viewing yourself based in self acceptance, love and worthiness.
As you release the lower vibration beliefs you will find it easier to allow yourself to accept more support and your attempts to support others will become more meaningful as you will no longer prioritise them above yourself. You will feel comfortable nurturing yourself and standing up for yourself and you will stop waiting for other people to do it for you.
So here’s the thing - YOU are responsible for meeting your needs first and foremost, before everyone else’s. And if you don’t do it, it’s not reasonable to expect anyone else to. And by the way, that person you’re busy pandering to, caring for, doing everything for, is also missing out on an opportunity to learn how to take care of themselves while you are busy doing it all for them.
No wonder you’re overwhelmed, depleted and feeling resentful towards that person who doesn’t ‘see’ you, who lacks gratitude and happily soaks up all the attention and support you lavish upon them without thought for your needs and comfort. It takes even more of your energy resenting them or being angry at them. But what if, instead, you tried doing things for them ONLY when it felt good. ONLY when you have capacity to do so and are genuinely happy to do it without expecting gratitude, love or acceptance in return. Your power actually lies in your own self nurture and self care.
And here it gets interesting - self love is actually the opposite of selfish. By prioritising your own needs, you are giving your partner, child, parent or friend space to learn where their own power and strength lies. You are inviting them to step up and meet you, to be vulnerable and to lean into their own capacity for self-nurture. (Which for them looks like releasing control, stepping out of their comfort zone and stepping towards you, rather than hiding behind the wall of ego they have built creating the illusion that you must pander to them for love and affection.)
It’s a win win. An act of kindness towards all parties involved. It’s just your conditioning that has told you otherwise. Once you understand the core beliefs that define your sense of self you can let go of them, you can lean into what makes you feel fulfilled, happy and centred, and you can set boundaries with others around your time, your space and how you expect to be treated. You learn to trust your own inner strength and stop giving your power away.
So self love is absolutely not selfish, it is kind, it is loving and it allows you to step into a space of unconditional love. Where you give freely without expecting anything in return, because you give on your own terms, not on someone else’s. And that is true empowerment.
This is such a common challenge for my clients that I have created an online course around it, empowering you to let go of limiting beliefs and step into your true power. If you would like to overcome overwhelm, learn to love yourself, and make yourself a priority, check out my Online Course coming in late April 2024 :
Sending love on your healing journey,
Lynsey x