Loving Yourself So Hard, You Never Enter Another Toxic Relationship
How healing anxious attachment, building self-worth and establishing safety within can change your relationships forever.
Image by Oleg Illarionov on Unsplash
Not long after my marriage ended I met a man that I felt I had known before. The kind of connection that feels strangely familiar. I called him the love of my life. And three years later, that same beautiful (yet toxic) relationship ended, leaving me single and heartbroken, for the second time.
That was the relationship that changed the course of my life.
That was the relationship that stopped me from pursuing men who were not capable of a truly loving, intimate partnership.
That was the relationship where I stopped blaming my relationship failures on the emotionally immature counterpart and started to take responsibility.
If I wanted a successful relationship then I was the one that had to change.
Why We Stay in Toxic Relationships
That relationship was unlike any other I have ever experienced. Here was a man who really saw me, who made me better. Although the relationship had no future because we were both too wounded to know how to love, if I could have chosen anyone to learn how to love, it would have been him. The heartbreak was intense, gut-wrenching, end-of-the-world, I-think-I’m-going-to-die-now kind of stuff.
But if I’m being truthful, part of the reason the breakup was so hard wasn’t because I loved him, it was because I felt abandoned. He was triggering an old childhood wound - one that had instilled in me an idea that I couldn’t do life alone. I was sad because of what having him in my life had represented, what he offered me. And that is no place to start a relationship from.
So what did he offer me?
Safety
Security
Worthiness
Someone to do life with
Doing life alone was my biggest fear.
I’d never really had to survive on my own, especially with 2 kids in tow.
That felt like a huge responsibility.
So therein lies the answer to the problem I was creating. I was choosing men who weren’t ready to partner because I was sacrificing my heart for the sake of safety.
I was waiting to be rescued.
Image by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
Healing Anxious Attachment Starts With Inner Safety
With that insight I had all the info I needed to stop making the same choices. I needed to instil a sense of safety within so that I wasn’t seeking it externally.
Surely then I could choose partners who were able to offer real love.
I vowed to myself that I would not enter another relationship until I was able to love myself first. Until I could be sure I would not waste my time in another relationship with a partner that didn’t know how to love.
I have been single for 5 years now.
And honestly? It has been one of the most healing experiences of my life.
How to Know if You’re Ready for a Healthy Relationship
Once the grief had subsided, I started rebuilding my life.
I began putting my time into establishing a career for myself.
As a stay-at-home Mum I was in a really vulnerable position -I had been out of the work force for some time and had lost a lot of confidence. But my life purpose was calling, so I followed the call and enrolled in a counselling course.
Having a sense of purpose gave me something that was mine. Something I couldn’t lose - it gave me an identity outside of being a wife or mother. The more I leaned into that, the more I discovered where to find joy outside of a relationship.
Not temporary validation or emotional highs.
But authentic, wholehearted fulfilment.
Learning to Love Yourself Changes Everything
The more time I have spent on my own, the more I have really got to know myself.
I discovered that:
I am introverted and I don’t have a big capacity for socialising.
I love the small things and I don’t need grand gestures to be happy.
Gardening, walking on the beach and spending time with my children fill me up.
I prefer living a slow, unhurried life
AND what’s more, spending time with immature men is no longer appealing. It drains me, it bores me, and now that I don’t need a relationship, my benchmark is much higher for what I will accept in friendships and partnerships of all kinds.
Because once you stop needing a relationship to complete you, your standards naturally rise.
Healing anxious attachment often helps people recognise the difference between emotional intensity and genuine emotional safety. If you are unsure what a healthy relationship actually looks like, you may also enjoy reading What Are Healthy Relationships and How Do I Find One?
The Version of Me I Created to Be Loved
The old me was a product of my conditioning, I didn’t have the courage to show up as the real me, so I created a version of me that I thought was loveable. But that version cost me everything.
And it gave me the opportunity to rebuild my life — this time on strong foundations.
Image by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
Real self-love means:
Knowing yourself deeply
Understanding your needs and desires
Honouring your truth
Refusing to compromise your wellbeing for anyone else
This kind of healing takes time - old habits sure do die hard!
Why Time Between Relationships Can Be Healing
One of the greatest gifts of staying single has been the chance to fully process the emotional baggage from past relationships.
I am no longer carrying unresolved resentment or fear, I will not be taking any of the ‘stuff’ from my previous relationships into my next one. I have dealt with all of it. The slate is clean.
And that changes everything.
Because healthy relationships are not built from desperation, fear or dependency.
They are built from wholeness.
Overcoming Anxious Attachment and Raising Your Standards
Establishing safety within myself has completely transformed how I view relationships.
It has opened me up to a whole new world where I get to choose whether I want to be in relationship. I don’t need to accept scraps and I don’t need to tolerate poor behaviour.
Because I no longer need a relationship to feel secure.
Would I love a healthy partnership? Absolutely.
But only if it adds peace, love and depth to my life, not if it drains me emotionally or mentally.
What I am sure of, is that my next relationship will be pure, it will be sacred and it will be so entirely full of love.
I have overcome anxious attachment and created a secure foundation within myself first.
And that changes the kind of love I will accept forever.
Ready to Heal Anxious Attachment and Build Healthy Relationships?
If you’re struggling with anxious attachment, toxic relationship patterns, fear of abandonment or low self-worth, healing is possible. Through trauma-informed holistic counselling, inner child healing, Reiki and healing work, I help people establish security within themselves so they can create healthy, loving relationships from a place of wholeness rather than fear.
Explore my holistic counselling services here: The Creation Space Australia
Article originally published by the Good Men Project
