Loving Yourself So Hard, You Never Enter Another Toxic Relationship

Establishing safety within means you no longer have to accept scraps.

Not long after my marriage ended I met a man that I felt I had known before. The kind of connection that feels like it must mean something more. I called him the love of my life. And three years later, that same beautiful (yet toxic) relationship ended, leaving me single and heartbroken, for the second time.

That was the relationship that changed the course of my life.

That was the relationship that stopped me from pursuing men who were not capable of a truly loving, intimate partnership.

That was the relationship where I stopped blaming my relationship failures on the emotionally immature counterpart and started to take responsibility.

If I wanted a successful relationship then I was the one that had to change.

That relationship was unlike any other I have ever experienced. Here was a man who really saw me, who made me better. Although the relationship had no future because we were both too wounded to know how to love, if I could have chosen anyone to learn how to love, it would have been him. The heartbreak was intense, gut-wrenching, end-of-the-world, I-think-I’m-going-to-die-now kind of stuff.

But if I’m being truthful, part of the reason the breakup was so hard wasn’t because I loved him, it was because of what he represented. It was because of what having him in my life offered me. And that is no place to start a relationship from.

So what did he offer me?

Safety, security, and someone to do life with.

Doing life alone was my biggest fear.

I’d never really had to survive on my own, especially with 2 kids in tow.

That felt like a huge responsibility.

So therein lies the answer to the problem I was creating. I was choosing men who weren’t ready to partner because I was sacrificing my heart for the sake of safety.

I was waiting to be rescued.

With that insight I had all the info I needed to stop making the same choices. I needed to instil a sense of safety within so that I wasn’t seeking it externally.

Surely then I could choose partners who were able to offer real love.

I vowed to myself that I would not enter another relationship until I was able to love myself first. Until I could be sure I would not waste my time in another relationship with a partner that didn’t know how to love.

I have been single for 5 years now.

But how to know when you’re ready to truly love someone?

Once the grief had subsided, I began putting my time into establishing a career for myself. As a stay-at-home Mum I was in a really vulnerable position -I had been out of the work force for some time and had lost a lot of confidence. But my life purpose was calling, so I followed the call and enrolled in a counselling course.

Having a sense of purpose gave me something that was mine. Something I couldn’t lose - it gave me an identity outside of being a wife or mother. The more I leaned into that, the more I discovered where to find joy outside of a relationship. Authentic, whole-hearted joy.

The more time I have spent on my own, the more I have really got to know myself. I know that I am introverted and I don’t have a big capacity for socialising. I know that I love the small things and that I don’t need grand gestures to be happy. I know that gardening, walking on the beach and spending time with my children fill me up.

Spending time with immature men is not appealing anymore. It drains me, it bores me, and now that I don’t need a relationship, my benchmark is much higher for what I will accept in friendships and partnerships of all kinds.

The old me was a product of my conditioning, I didn’t have the courage to show up as the real me, so I created a version of me that I thought was loveable. But that version cost me everything.

And it gave me the opportunity to rebuild my life — this time on strong foundations.

Loving yourself means knowing yourself, your heart’s desires, truths, wishes and being confident enough to stand in those and not compromise them for someone else.

This takes time - old habits sure do die hard!

And the beautiful thing about leaving space between relationships? I will not be taking any of the ‘stuff’ from my previous relationships into my next one. I have dealt with all of it. The slate is clean.

So what has establishing a sense of safety done for my future relationship prospects?

It has opened me up to a whole new world where I get to choose whether I want to be in relationship. I don’t need to accept scraps and I don’t need to tolerate poor behaviour, because I don’t need a relationship.

I would like one, but only if it adds to my life, not if it drains me emotionally or mentally.

What I am sure of, is that my next relationship will be pure, it will be sacred and it will be so entirely full of love.

I have successfully overcome anxious attachment and now have a secure platform from which to enter a loving relationship. If you would love help establishing security within, to overcome anxious attachment and secure the love you’ve been longing for, I’d love to help! Work with me

Article originally published by the Good Men Project: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/loving-yourself-so-hard-you-never-enter-another-toxic-relationship/